What Matters Now

 

 

My therapist recently shared a new word with me: pronoia. A state of mind where someone believes the world is conspiring to help. The opposite of paranoia, where someone believes the world is conspiring to hurt. It rang true for the way I’ve been approaching the world in the last couple of years, firmly believing that I’m not sure how things will work out, but that they will.

 

This is a marked departure from my historical norm.

 

I have been an orphan for half of my life, and constantly bracing myself for more loss and grief.  As someone who basically raised myself with little adult oversight, anxiety and fear have long been my default. I’ve always understood the future isn’t promised.

 

At the same time, I’ve made a career of caring for others and helping folks see a better future for themselves and their families.

 

These aren’t mutually exclusive to me. We have to carve out the future we want for ourselves and our world despite knowing that it is not owed to us, that it is unlikely to happen exactly the way we envision it.

 

And so I’m a little disappointed in myself – or maybe more surprised – that I was so blindsided and saddened by the election results.

 

 

Recently I have sought out and keenly observed the kindness of others, noticed and appreciated it, and maybe foolishly thought our better natures and compassionate souls would translate at the polling place. It disturbs me that over 72 million people voted for someone I genuinely believe has not a lick of understanding for the plight of others in peril, such as children in foster care and their struggling families. But I’m not a fool. I do understand we live in a time where there is not a lot of attention being paid to the plight of others who are suffering. I see so many among us focusing on amassing stability and prosperity for themselves and their own families, often at the expense of others and their families, and without thought to broader consequences for our society. We’re living in survival mode as our default.

 

But I also know – deep into the corners of my soul – that this is not true of all of us. In fact, I don’t even think that it's true of most of us.

 

I know this not only because 68 million people did not vote that way, but also because regardless of political persuasion or engagement, I see kindness and helpfulness every day. I see politeness every day. I see caring every day. I look for it, and it’s not hard to find it. The smiles and door holding from strangers, the willingness of neighbors to share eggs or sugar, friends caring for each others’ children when parents need a break, the helpers in our community who go above and beyond their call of duty because their hearts are bigger than their job descriptions…. I focus on those, the small gifts of daily love in my world. Maybe that is the source of my pronoia.

 

If I looked for meanness and hate, I’d easily find that, and I might conclude something very different about the nature of people. But I’d be denying a whole other truth that fills me with hope.

 

 

I believe the world is going to change as a result of this election. It’s going to feel darker and scarier and more oppressive to many of us. The superior grins of some of our neighbors and relatives are going to frighten and disturb us. The rhetoric in the media, at our workplaces, and our schools is going to become more intense and divisive. And there isn’t a lot we can do to prevent that. We know that now. It won’t be a surprise.

 

So I’ve been thinking about what we can do. What I can do. What I think you should do.

 

And here’s what I think:

 

We need to drink more tea, give more hugs, breathe more deeply, and smile more at others. Make space for hurt and pain – yours and everyone’s – but don’t tolerate disrespect and hate. Keep your mind open, but go ahead and close a window if someone’s bullshit is blowing in too hard. Yes, fight like hell and speak out. But also come into yourself and heal, refresh.

 

And give freely.

 

Give your attention. Give your time. Give your thoughts. Give your help. Give your money. Give your hugs! Give your art. Give your words.

 

The world needs all of it. Your friends, your family, your colleagues need it. Strangers need it. You need it. I for sure need it.

 

What pain out there draws you in, makes you yearn to fix it, to mend it like a hole in a shirt? What if you could? What if sharing a bit of yourself made someone else breathe a bit easier, smile, appreciate, be relieved, restore a little faith?

 

It takes so much less than you think.

 

 

Check in on a friend, thank someone for their efforts, acknowledge a job well done. Say thank you, say you’re welcome, offer to help. Hold the doors, meet the eyes, speak your love. Make the art. Then share it.

 

Our actions become drops filling a giant bucket of need. Others benefit from these drops, but so do we, the givers. When we extend ourselves into another’s challenges, we feel less alone. There are so many ways to fill that bucket of need.

 

Or, support people and organizations working incredibly hard to make things better for those who can’t make things better themselves. I run a nonprofit that supports foster and adoptive families, and we can use your volunteer time and financial donations now more than ever. But we’re only one cause among thousands, millions, that deserve attention. You can support some cause, but it doesn't have to be that big.

 

Just give something of yourself, anything of yourself, that benefits others.

 

 

If we do this, I believe kindness will always find a way to win.

 

I know, I know, sometimes it’s a quiet win, no cheering in the stands, and not everyone will notice, and it doesn’t feel like it counts. But those who need it will notice. You will notice. And I promise you it counts.

 

And in that way, even against the backdrop of fear, hate, division, and anger, our giving fills up space in the world, leaving less for all the awful stuff.

 

 

Marianna Litovich
November 8, 2024